Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.