When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
You Might Also Like
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes