When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
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My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
do u think theres a butter planet?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
File under excellent bookstore names.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’m confused about plants