When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My typo game is string.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE