When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Check out the legs on this baby
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!