When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.