when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.