*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out