When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
