When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: