When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
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My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I ate everything, including the H.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.