Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

What

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Basketball

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

A great tip. #CakeRex

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream