When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
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Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
my fav colour is also hitler
