When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
You Might Also Like
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
hear me out : pockets for your socks
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Note to self: I am a note
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.