Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

I found your tweet-up…

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

reviewed some movies recently

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…