Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

LMAO

🤣🤣

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.