Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..