Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

As per my previous tablet…

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.