Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.