When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
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If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
You are not alone 💚
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.