Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

*skinny dips into black hole

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.