When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash