When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
You Might Also Like
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
this is the greatest thing ever
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening