Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

*seductively eats two tums*

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.