Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.