Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it