When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
🤣😂🤣
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.