Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Brb my Sims are getting married

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.