When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
This 4th of July, please remember…
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.