Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

somewhere, in an alternate universe

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Well, this certainly took a turn

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!