When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Not my job 😂
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
this has to be peak English
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!