When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
When you’ve simply given up.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
