Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

My zodiac sign is pistachio

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

$3 #books