When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
🤣✨#caturday
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
my one true gender
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.