When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
sign of the times 🖊
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.