When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?