When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Go gym
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person