Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

So many pants.
So little yoga.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.