When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
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Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea