Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: