When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
You Might Also Like
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
For anyone who needs this today
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
we’re dead?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.