When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
There’s only one good girl here!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths