@Papa_Mex

When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room

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@OneFunnyMummy

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

@djdarrellripley

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@mrjohndarby

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

@chelliet22

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

@difficultpatty

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@Reverend_Scott

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

@3sunzzz

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

@BritXNic

Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.