All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room
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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.