When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.