When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac