When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

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[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”


Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.


DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever.

ME: oh no AND today is Saturday

Doctor: please no

Me: say it

Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever.

ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.


Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…


OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes


It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.


Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium


[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse


Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad