When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”