When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.