When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Damn he played himself
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Leaving the Barbers like
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Are you ok, human???
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Well, that didn’t work.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
It’s his time
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies