When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
The two types of wives
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.