Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

The sacred texts.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?