When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside