@fart

when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

@Darlainky

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

@LizHackett

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

@SliNtuli

People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.

@isabelzawtun

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

@_little_old_me

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

@WilliamAder

While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.

@osoplain

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

@AnkCoupleTO

If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now