ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die
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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now