Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage