Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.