When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Lmao 🤣
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me My dog
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”