Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.