When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music