When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you