When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I thought this was funny lol
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Oh yeah that’s it
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.