When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
oh she’s cooked
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.