Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

🤣

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”