Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool