Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

nothing saves money like being antisocial

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Bear

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight