When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Blew out my flip flop…
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
asking santa clause for nudes
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.