When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.