Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

The three genders

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

synchronized noseblowing

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join